You see each other, you text most days, you have met a few of their friends, and if someone asked what you are, you would change the subject. That in-between space has a name now, and knowing the situationship signs can be a relief, because it stops you wondering whether you are imagining the uncertainty. You are not. The uncertainty is the thing itself.
This is a look at what a situationship is, how to tell if you are in one, and what to do next, whether you want more or want out.
What a situationship is
A situationship is a romantic or physical connection without an agreed label or a shared idea of where it is going. It is more than casual dating, because there is real closeness and often real feeling, and less than a relationship, because nobody has said what it is out loud.
That is not automatically a bad thing. Some people choose it deliberately, for a season, and both enjoy it. The trouble starts when one person is quietly hoping it will turn into more and the other is quite happy where it is.
Eight situationship signs
Months in, there is still no label
A few weeks without a label is normal. Several months, with the subject quietly avoided, is a sign that at least one of you prefers not to decide.
Plans are made late, or not at all
You rarely know on Monday whether you will see each other at the weekend. Plans tend to appear on the day, often in the evening, and making them further ahead feels somehow presumptuous.
You are not really part of each other’s lives
You may have met a friend or two, but not the people who matter most, and you are not invited to the birthday, the wedding or Sunday lunch. The relationship lives mostly in a small, private bubble.
You see each other at certain times only
Late evenings, weekends when nothing else is on, the gap between other plans. Daytime, public, ordinary time together is rare.
The future feels off limits
You can talk about almost anything except next summer. When the future comes up, one of you changes the subject, makes a joke or goes a little quiet.
You are not sure you are allowed to ask
This is the clearest sign of all. If you rehearse the question “what are we?” and then decide not to ask because it might ruin things, the fear of the answer is already an answer of sorts.
You feel on call
You keep evenings free just in case, check your phone more than you would like and adjust your plans around theirs, without any agreement that they will do the same for you.
The question gets deflected
If you have asked and got “let’s not put a label on it”, “I’m not in a place for anything serious” or “why does it matter?”, take those words at face value. People usually tell us where they stand. We just hope they mean something else.
When a situationship is fine
If you both want exactly this, and you feel steady rather than anxious most of the time, there is nothing wrong with it. Plenty of good relationships began without a label, and plenty of good seasons in life are enjoyed for what they are. The test is simple: do you feel calm, or do you feel like you are waiting?
How to have the conversation
If you want more, say so, clearly and without an ultimatum. Pick a calm, sober moment and keep it short: “I really like what we have, and I have realised I want it to be a relationship. I would like to know where you are with that.” Then stop talking and let them answer.
Listen for the actual words rather than the tone. “I like you a lot, but” is a no. “I have been wondering the same thing” is a yes. “I don’t know” is usually a no that has not been said yet, and it is fair to give it a little time and then ask again.
How to end a situationship
Because there is no label, ending it can feel strange, as though you are not entitled to a proper goodbye. You are. A short, kind message or conversation is enough: “I have enjoyed this, but I want something more defined, and I don’t think that is what you want. I am going to step back.” You do not need to argue your case or wait for them to agree.
Afterwards, give yourself the same care you would after any breakup. It was real to you, which means losing it is real too, and the lack of a label does not make the missing smaller.
If you are still not sure which side of the line you are on, the relationship or situationship quiz asks the questions one at a time. For the other person’s side, what is he thinking draws cards for it, and is he my person looks at what a steadier connection feels like from the inside.
Clara
